Black Girl: As Is

Writer. Creator. Shapeshifter.

VIII Rhymes with Late.

The Universe is a funny thing.  Just when you think you have a handle and a hold you'll find it asking you to grip with your feet.  

The Tramp:  I feel crazy.

The Lady:  Me too.  Especially with my bipolar.

The Tramp:  You are SO crazy.  What makes you think you're bipolar?

The Lady: Because I am. You know that.  I've been bipolar since Shreveport. Why do you think I was taking all those pills?

The Tramp: ........................................................................................ 

The Lady:  You didn't know?  And Madea was too.  Manic.

The Tramp: ......................................................................................

Click. Click. Boom.  

Suddenly, my life shifted into focus.  Initially, I felt terrible.  I felt guilty for ever being upset with her and I hated those times my compassion waned.  I slide my resentment through this new filter and it came out in shreds.  It was my turn to be untethered.  I could not find my roots.  I prayed for patience and understanding.  I prayed for compassion.  I prayed for me.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil
— American Proverb

The next morning my coven came to town.  It was like coming up for air.  We had brunch and day drank. We lay our burdens down. We snapped me back into place.  It was pure joy.  Enter the white nonsense.

We chose Twilite because it was dark and interesting but mostly because we had to pee.  The Nashvilian went to the ladies room and The Heart and I stepped up to the bar.  She decided on cider and my mouth was set for a Paloma.  We chatted as we waited for the fella in front of us.  A tall blonde walked in with her pet boy.  She walks up to the bar and makes a show of stepping in front of The Heart.  We inch forward.  She inches forward.  The fella finishes and the ginger behind the bar looks expectantly at the blonde.  

The Heart:  Excuse me.  Actually I was waiting. 

*the blonde rolls her eyes*

The Ginger: *screamings*  I SEE YOU.  I SEE YOU TOO and rolls his eyes.

The Heart and I share a look.  The look two brown people share when you must decide between pride and bail money.  We took a deep breath and decided on pride.  We met The Nashvilian outside the toilet and we urgently ushered her out.  Given the facts she would surely have chosen bail money.  We stomped into the street and lit their yelp on fire.  We seethed and smoked while our dignity regenerated.  We sat in a backyard listening to vinyl and watching the sun go down.  We hung our hopes on the future and let our anger go with the sun.

We decided to end the night at a gay bar.  We were curious and I was hoping to find someone to lay hands on.  The Heart hit google which pointed us toward The Church.  On our way we encountered a real southern gentleman.

The Gentleman:  Y'all lost?  What you looking for?

The Tramp:  I think I see it.  There it is.

The Gentleman: Oh y'all going to Scissorland?  It's that way.

The Coven: ........................................................................

Scissorland turned out to be lacking in scissors but filled with oddities.  We'd stumbled into BED.  The Bondage Expo of Dallas.  Typically I'd be game.  Latex and Rope and Suspension, oh my!  But this was mostly pasty, salacious men on perches and timid girls in ill-fitting costumes and impossible heels.  This was approximately 2.5 shades of grey. These were our interests but this was not our tribe.

We drove home exhausted and overflowing.  The Coven gave The Lady a gift and The Lady gave them gumbo.  They were fed but I was nourished.  It was a good day.

I've been unlocking levels of myself.  Turning over stones and unearthing buried objects.  Thusfar, I've discovered that my grandmother's name was misspelled on each of her four children's birth certificates.  I've learned that her address was marked rural and she was simply marked negro.   I've discovered death certificates and battles with mental health.  This is deep sea diving, dark and bottomless.  This is the death of denial and the birth of full knowledge.  This is why I am here.  I will stick out my feet and curl my toes.

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